Guilt

Shravya stood still. People around her said “Everything is going to be fine”. Not a tear rolled down her eyes. She knew he had abandoned her, on the day that meant the most to her. She just told her mother “Take me away”. She left to a near by hill-station with her family. She stared at the picturesque landscapes contemplating about life. She never imagined a three year relationship to end this way. Those were the most beautiful three years of her life. When she got back home, lots of relatives visited them trying to console her parents. She realized that people would never let her forget what had just happened. It was then; she knew that she could no longer stay in India. She took the next flight back to New York City. After reaching her apartment, she bawled as loudly as she could. She was dull, gloomy and depressed. She knew she had to move on but found it extremely difficult. On Google, she searched for ways to get rid of depression. She read an article about hydrotherapy and decided to give it a try. Every morning she went for a swim. Her mind would just go blank in water and she loved that feeling. The moment she remembered her past she took a shower. She would cry and her tears got amalgamated with the drops from the shower; her wail got lost in the sounds of those water drops. It helped and she was sort of able to expunge those dreadful memories. Her boyfriend tried to reconcile. He apologized for developing cold feet on the day of the marriage. But Shravya knew she could never get back to him. She could no longer spend the rest of her life with a man whom she loved but could not trust. She deleted his emails without reading them and never picked up his calls. Her friend, Ajay asked her out for a date. Ajay was in a relationship for past seven years and he and his girlfriend were still going strong. He always told Shravya that he was ready to jeopardize his seven year relationship just for a night with her. Shravya had initially taken offence to this statement as she found it morally incorrect. But now, she chose to ignore those scruples and finally agreed to meet him. She got dressed in her best outfit and looked stunning. Ajay greeted her warmly and they decided to hit a nearby bar. After downing a couple of shots, Shravya felt light headed. She took notice of Ajay’s sexual advances and she did not try to evade them either. After downing a couple of more shots, they checked into a hotel. The moment they stepped into the room, Ajay pinned her to the closest wall and kissed her passionately. He satiated his lust and she lost her virginity. After an hour, Ajay was fast asleep and Shravya left quietly. It was the most miserable night of her life. She felt distressed about losing her virginity to a man whom she never loved. She felt dirty. She knew that Ajay would be honest to his girlfriend and never hide anything that happened that night. Somewhere the feeling slowly sunk that she was to blame for destroying a beautiful relationship. Her throat was dry because of the weird combination of drinks she had taken that night. She felt miserable. It was pouring heavily that night. She got completely drenched. There was water all around her, but none that she could drink. She stepped into the train. The train was relatively less crowded. She was weeping. The lady sitting next to her offered her water. In spite of the dry throat Shravya knew water would do no good. She stepped into the house and she still chose to let her throat remain dry. She sank in her bed and at the same time a feeling of emptiness sank inside her. She realized that a therapy would only help her forget incidents where someone else wronged her. She knew that she would never be able to redeem herself of the guilt of devastating a relationship especially for a night that she herself never desired!!

The Ride

Just a swipe and you enter the train station via the turnstile. You always have those morning blues when you are heading to office but not in New York City. It is just the sheer vibrant atmosphere, the number of people around you that metamorphose your dull drab feeling into pulsating emotions. People here hurry to wait. You rush to catch a train and you may end-up waiting another couple of minutes for the next train. Just look around and you will find so many people, some enjoying music on their IPod, some reading a fascinating novel, some trying to solve Sudoku, some browsing through the headlines, some chit chatting with their colleagues, some lost in their own world and some like me just absorbing the milieu around them. And by the time you can soak the momentum of the rich events around you, you have reached your destination. Time just flies here and the train ride seems to be the shortest journey of your day. But surprisingly after an eventful day at work you experience the most divergent feelings in the same train-ride that takes you back home. The vibrancy now seems so dreary. You see people around you but somewhere the feeling sinks in that in spite of being in such a huge crowd there is not a single soul that you could converse with. Not a single person with whom you could share your happiness, not a soul that could read your eyes and comprehend the distressing emotions they veiled. The fact that you are so lonely in a crowd just elongates the duration of your journey. In a span of 12 hours the same 15 minute train ride is both the shortest and the longest journey of your day!!!